This post is a continuation of post Day 58.
So, after the strong reaction to the word manipulation I am having a look at the dimensions connected this word. The word triggers a whole series of reactions, images, thoughts, emotions. In order to understand my reactions to the word I will make a list of definitions in several dimensions.
When I read or hear the word manipulation my reaction is negative. I imagine someone else that is trying to get things done through manipulating me. Since I, when I interact with people, always start from a point of trust until this is proven to be wrong, I have been an easy victim for people wanting to manipulate me.
Due to experiences in the past I created negative memories related to manipulation and connected this with feeling a victim of others that were manipulating me, forcing me to do things in their interest and against mine.
Even though I can’t remember specific occasions where I have been manipulated my mind is suggesting me that I had many bad experiences. The only thing left of these memories is the bad feeling, a negative emotion that apparently can exist without a real cause or reference.
If I squeeze my memories in relation to manipulation I start to see a couple of topics. One of them is connected to my partner. In several occasions I felt manipulated by her when, after having done a specific thing or made a specific decision, I looked back to realize I could not fully agree with that point. In reaction to that – instead of taking my responsibility – I felt manipulated and therefore a victim.
Here I see clearly that the fact of feeling manipulated and seeing myself victim of a situation is related to the fact I have done specific things or decided on specific topics without considering all dimensions in the very moment i had to do/decide. Only afterwards, when reviewing the facts, I realized that I overlooked things and went into blaming someone else like my partner for having pushed me to that point.
This point of reacting to the word manipulation is therefore kind of supercharged by memories connected to emotions that have been building up and charging during my life. Not having seen/recognized the point allowed me to go into a loop over and over again when being in a situation where I was going through a reaction to the word/experience of manipulation.
To stop this, to break the loop, I need to find out the triggers that connect to the word manipulation. These will lead to the memories that are creating the pattern of reactions. On top of that I need to have a look at the fact I allowed myself to be pushed into taking specific decisions or do specific things without first considering all relevant points that would lead to a action/decision done/taken in full responsibility.
In the next blog I will work out the points discussed here and forgive myself in order to stop the pattern and break the negative relation to the word manipulation.